After I was birthed to my black surrogate mother, Teena, my white-tail dove mother, Aloysius, took me home to hang out with my thirty-seven bird brothers and forty-two billy goat sisters. They were all babies, too, for some reason. I knew what I had to do.
"LINE UP MOTHER FUCKER'S," I screamed at all the other babez. "WE SETTLE THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! I'M ALPHA DOG! I'M ALPHA DOG!"
Naturally, most of the others immediately recognized that my shit was fucking hot and terrifyingly powerful, so they right away began to display deference and build monuments in my honor and shit. Pretty good for a baby, I'd say. But then what about the ones that tried to stand up to me? Oh. Ohahahahahahahaha. Hah.
Heh.
So I grabbed the first billy-goat sister who stood up for herself and I smashed her brain out with a rock. That's right, Baby Murder.
The second, one of my bird brothers, flew and me and tried to peck my eyes out. I cooked him on a stick and then taunted an orphan with the sweet succulent meat before ultimately discarding the uneaten meat in a landfill.
The third onslaught was a combo of bird-bird-goat-bird-goat.
It ended with a combo of rape into submission-shiv to the kidneys-assassinate like JFK-made give me fellatio to death-pull internal organs out through anus.
To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.
I went on to use these super powers to fight for the role of Alpha Male amongst my bird brothers and sisters. After ultimately killing my main rival, Harold, by pull his liver out through his asshole and shitting on it in a expressive display of badassery, I became Alpha Dog and then they made a movie about me with Justin Timberlake in it (I assume that movie was about me, right? amiright?).
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