And then I had to poop (Life Story, part 3)

To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

I went on to use these super powers to fight for the role of Alpha Male amongst my bird brothers and sisters. After ultimately killing my main rival, Harold, by pull his liver out through his asshole and shitting on it in a expressive display of badassery, I became Alpha Dog and then they made a movie about me with Justin Timberlake in it (I assume that movie was about me, right? amiright?).

**

After I killed the shit out of Harold I said, "fuck this, Neil, Aloysius, I'm leaving the nest," and then I did. But I was less than twenty feet from said nest when something fierce erupted in my bowels. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed as I clenched. CLENCH, YOU BASTARD! I thought. CLENCH!

So clench I did. I tried to return to the nest but Neil and Aloysius were being assholes and said they had no more children because my ravenous appetite had killed or eaten them all. I told them it was their fault for their genetics mixing in such an awesome way. They said that's not quite how genetics work and I said you'll be sorry you rat fucks and left. I shit in front of their doorstep, distressed with the poop, but comforted in the knowledge that I no longer had a family.

One tear might have come out...

... if I was weak like you.

So after I took a fat tearless dump on my parents doorstep, I sifted through the bones of my consumed brothers and sisters and said, "HAH! I AM Alpha Dog! I AM ALPHA DOG!"

Then I left, with plans to one day return and burn my parents to the fucking dirt.