Conversation I Overheard at the McD's Other Night:

"Gimme the burgers! Gimme the burgers, now, or the bitch loses her head!"

-The Hamburglar with knife to womans face.

Just found a new pube! I'm gonna call her Charles!

Johnny Quest

Boy, that sure was a great cartoon.

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night to find myself power-squatting, naked, in my living room.

Why?!

-Scott A. Stapp

condomes?

What is this "condom" thing I keep hearing about? Do the rules of grammar require you add an "es" at the end for plurality? Why did that girl freak out when I was finishing inside her and said I didn't have one of these objects?

RE: My Chest Hair

Ladies,

Yes, it's real. Yes, it's awesome.

How to Guide #1: Internet Porn

So, many of you guys have been wondering how I go about my day to day actives, being kickass and such. Well, it is your lucky day, because this is the first in my series of how-to-be-like-Scott-Alan-Stapp-blogs.

Today, I'm covering the proper way to watch internet porn.

For those of you who don't know, the internet is more than just a place to read my blog. It is, in fact, filled with pornography. I know, this sounds crazzzy, but trust me, it is awesome. If you are into hot girls with big titties, the internet has got it. If you are into hot girls with even bigger titties, the internet has got it. If you are into grandmothers with medium to small size titties, well, I'm not into that, so I don't care.

Step one:
open up an internet browser. I like internet explorer, version 2.

Step two:
open up two more internet browsers and make each of them take up part of the screen.

Step three:
go to three different porn sites, or have a mix of 2 same porn sites and one different

step four:
take out your hog.

Step five:
pull up different porno videos; make sure one is the video of me and kid rock getting our D's S'd by some groupies!

Step six:
fuck it, i'm tired, figure out the rest.


-Scott

UPDATE

This just in:

F.B.I. does not stand for "female body inspector".... what?!

Bucket List

Lots of you guys have been asking for it, so here it is, Scott Alan Stapp's Bucket List!!! :

-punch a cat to the moon*

-punch a dog to hell

-bang more models*

-bang Jessica Alba

-bang Mischa Barton*

-fart on something til it dies

-get 1,000,000 blow jobs

-have sex on a lifeboat while people drown around me*

-get autotune installed in my throat box

-ride in the washing machine

-kill a man with only my thumbs

-take a deuce on the head of oliver cromwell

-get a fourth doctorate

-write a bestselling book of poetry about my hog

-write a bestselling book of poetry about kid rock's hog--don't judge, he's got a rockin hog.

-kill steve martin

-become james bond

-bang every bond girl ever

-bang lisa loeb

-bang my mom's friend susie, before she died

-make a corpse come back to life to S my D, then kill it again

-kill mick jagger

-write the song "Light my Fire"*

-eat a salad off a naked lady* And by salad, I mean steak. And by naked lady, I mean exactly that.

-Buy the town of Laredo, Tx, and re-name it Scott-Alan-Stappville and then genocide everyone in town.

-Commit three more acts of genocide

-Re-write that crappy boring movie Citizen Kane, and make my hog the main character.

-Grow a mustache on my balls*

-bang that chick from Spider-man with the weird teeth*

-tell Sarah Jessica Parker "you ain't hot"

-fight a troll*

-eat a troll

-fight a lion

-eat a lion*

-invent the synthesizer*




woah, that's just part of my list! More later!!

Mombie

Turns out my mom was dead, after all. She's just a zombie now. Oops!

White People

Dudes and dudettes!!! Check out this funny video of some kids dying!




Your welcome,
Scott Alan Stapp

Taco pt.3

This is a picture of the taco I ate. Just in case you were wondering!

TACO pt.2

Just ate a taco.

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

TACO

Bout to eat a taco. Bitchin'.

-Scott "Juarez" Stapp

Black People

Just found this out, our president is a black guy!

I didn't know this, because I just vote for myself as a write-in every year. Everyone who is not Scott Alan Stapp is only allowed to vote every four years; but me, Scott Alan Stapp, I'm allowed to vote yearly, just so that you dudes get the benefit of my sweet political analysis.

This just in:
The democratic and republican fields are week. Scott Stapp is the clear choice!


Woah, good news for me!

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

Woah...

Woah, dudes, just came down of a crazzzzzzzzzzzy crystal meth high.

I am DEFINITELY doing that drug again!

Also, turns out my Mom's not dead anymore, bitchin'!

-S.A.S., triple PhD, out!

shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiT!

THIS IS CRAZY I AM FORTY FIVE FEET TALL AND EVERYTHING IS SO BRIGHT. THIS DUDE OVER HERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY AND AWESOME. I AM CRAZY AWESOME.

I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.
I AM CRAZY AWESOME.

At a party in ...

Hey guys,

Just left sxsw in Austin, Texas. Man, I sure had an okay time. You guys who live there probably thought it was cool because you got free alcohol and music, but that stuff actually scucks to me because people usually pay me money to drink alcohol and play music. So I'm still better than everyone, but it was nice to take a break from being super-kickass and getting money all the time.

Not really; I actually mean the opposite of that. Whatever.

Anyway, just at this party in some crazy rich European country where poor people are only allowed in to draw us rich, cool dudes around in carriages like some sort poor race of dirty, crazy horse-dudes. I'm just standing around at the open bar, blogging on my smartphone! Woah!

...

...

Woah, guys! This guy just offered me some new party drug called crystal meth... Think I should try it? I sure do!

We'll see how this goes!

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

My third doctorate,

For those of you guys that don't know, I'm actually an avid scientist. I've proven evolution wrong six times! Before today, I was only the semi-proud owner of two doctorates (Un. Phnx & Un. Devry, respectively,) but now, I'm going to get an honory P-FUD (as it is pronounced in the science world) from a nigerian prince. for only one-hudred lire!

Nice!

-Scott Stapp, super scientist, out!

A Perfect Day for Scott Stapp

My perfect day would consist of the following:

-Getting an on-camera bj from some groupies while Kid Rock enjoys the same*

-Have all other dudes on the planet die, so that way everyone finally realizes that I'm totally the best looking dude ever and all other dudes are inferior.

-Punch a cat to the moon*

-Star in a porno with six versions of myself wankin' it on a loaf of cornbread*

-Write to that Mumia Abu-Jamal and say: "Woah, dude, Scott Stapp here, being super-sweet, as always, just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't have killed those cops because all cops LOVE Creed, my super-cool band, and have you heard our new album? It's coming out in two months? Well, see ya!"


NOTE: * indicates things whose ass I have already totally kicked.


-Scott A. Stapp, out!

Healthcare, what? Who's that guy, and why does anybody care about him when I'm here, doing my thing, being awesome?

Fuck that guy. He's not me. I bang models and sang songs in both Cread and Scott Stapp. Healthcare is probably just some drunk redneck.

-Supercool Scott A. Stapp, out!

...

Woah guys, my mom just died.

Razzles... A hope for tomorrow?

Just getting a little existential here, but one of my friends just told me about this candy called Razzles. That wonka guy makes 'em, apparently... Anyway, apparently its a candy first, then a gum! Woah!

Woah!

So that got me to thinking, if a candy can change so fundamentally as to be come an entirely new form, a gum, then maybe We can, too. And by "We" I mean humanity. Be the change that skinny little brown man who was made of salt wanted in the world.

Sorry to get deep, guys.

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

Oops!

Hey Guys! Scott Alan Stapp here, just woke up--a bit hungover!

Anyway, some bad shit went down last night... I got drunk!

Once, I contemplated killing myself while drunk... You can read more about it on wikipedia--whatever that is!

Anyway, I was writing this new song early and I've decided to call it: "The Stevie Wonder Experience: aka, my Johnston, the Blind Pig"

I know most people spell it "Johnson" and don't include the "T", but most people aren't Scott Alan Stapp.

Well, see you guys later!

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

Hey Guys!!!

Hey, everyone! It's me, I finally got one of these computer machines. Call me old fashioned, but I fear technology because that movie the Terminator was so convincing! Robots are scaryyy!!!

Anyway, I'll be updating my blog alllll the time, so check in with me! I love exclamation points, oh yes I do!

Take care, everyone!

-Scott A. Stapp, out!