And then I had to poop (Life Story, part 3)

To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

I went on to use these super powers to fight for the role of Alpha Male amongst my bird brothers and sisters. After ultimately killing my main rival, Harold, by pull his liver out through his asshole and shitting on it in a expressive display of badassery, I became Alpha Dog and then they made a movie about me with Justin Timberlake in it (I assume that movie was about me, right? amiright?).

**

After I killed the shit out of Harold I said, "fuck this, Neil, Aloysius, I'm leaving the nest," and then I did. But I was less than twenty feet from said nest when something fierce erupted in my bowels. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed as I clenched. CLENCH, YOU BASTARD! I thought. CLENCH!

So clench I did. I tried to return to the nest but Neil and Aloysius were being assholes and said they had no more children because my ravenous appetite had killed or eaten them all. I told them it was their fault for their genetics mixing in such an awesome way. They said that's not quite how genetics work and I said you'll be sorry you rat fucks and left. I shit in front of their doorstep, distressed with the poop, but comforted in the knowledge that I no longer had a family.

One tear might have come out...

... if I was weak like you.

So after I took a fat tearless dump on my parents doorstep, I sifted through the bones of my consumed brothers and sisters and said, "HAH! I AM Alpha Dog! I AM ALPHA DOG!"

Then I left, with plans to one day return and burn my parents to the fucking dirt.

Ghosts

I FUCK them.

Tornados

Is it the same as a torpedo?


The world will never know.


Mostly because I alone own this information. Seriously.

Back in the late 70s the US government was like YO SCOTT STAPP EVEN THOUGH YOU AINT MO' 'AN A CHIL' YEH, DO THIS FUCKIN' SHEEET AND FINE OUT DA DIFFRANCE 'TWEEN A TORNADO AN' UH TORPEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. DO IT, FO YO GOV'MENT!

So I did what the scary AFRICAN-AMERICAN-negro told me. I asked for funding and he said that the "gov'ment" was being cheap at the moment.

I thought this rather niggardly of my black companion (blapanion) and told him such.

This did not go well.

More to come after my jaw gets unwired!

Fuck monkeys

Little hairy bastard man is a more accurate name than "monkey." I know this because earlier today one of these little hairy bastard men stole my drink from me. I'm down in mexico, chilling with fuckin Van Hagar and banging fourteen year olds [Editor's note: Scott, please remove this. It is illegal to have sex with fourteen year olds.{reply to editor: Fuck you, suit}]. So anyway, I'm fucking all these underage bitches, and drinking a mint julip that's 100% bourbon and fucking older than the girl who is slobberin on my hog, when I decide to put my drink down so I can finger this penguin's asshole. Then BAM, suddenly there's a fucking monkey stealing my drink and riding away on a racepig. And no, that's not a pig that's racist. It is a pig that used to race in someplace called Hondorous because apparently they is too poor for horse. horse race. But don't worry, I made that mistake about the racist pigs too. Oop!

Scott A. Stapp, monkeykiller, out!

BABY FIGHT!!! (Life story, part 2)

After I was birthed to my black surrogate mother, Teena, my white-tail dove mother, Aloysius, took me home to hang out with my thirty-seven bird brothers and forty-two billy goat sisters. They were all babies, too, for some reason. I knew what I had to do.

"LINE UP MOTHER FUCKER'S," I screamed at all the other babez. "WE SETTLE THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! I'M ALPHA DOG! I'M ALPHA DOG!"

Naturally, most of the others immediately recognized that my shit was fucking hot and terrifyingly powerful, so they right away began to display deference and build monuments in my honor and shit. Pretty good for a baby, I'd say. But then what about the ones that tried to stand up to me? Oh. Ohahahahahahahaha. Hah.

Heh.

So I grabbed the first billy-goat sister who stood up for herself and I smashed her brain out with a rock. That's right, Baby Murder.

The second, one of my bird brothers, flew and me and tried to peck my eyes out. I cooked him on a stick and then taunted an orphan with the sweet succulent meat before ultimately discarding the uneaten meat in a landfill.

The third onslaught was a combo of bird-bird-goat-bird-goat.

It ended with a combo of rape into submission-shiv to the kidneys-assassinate like JFK-made give me fellatio to death-pull internal organs out through anus.


To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

I went on to use these super powers to fight for the role of Alpha Male amongst my bird brothers and sisters. After ultimately killing my main rival, Harold, by pull his liver out through his asshole and shitting on it in a expressive display of badassery, I became Alpha Dog and then they made a movie about me with Justin Timberlake in it (I assume that movie was about me, right? amiright?).

Home (Life Story Part 1)

I'm about to let it all go. Stick my dick out to dangle in the breeze, if you will. I'm going to tell you part one of my life story. I like to call it: "Home: Scott Alan Stapp's Early Years (part one of my life story)"

I was born on August 8th, 1973, to a billy-goat father (who was surprisingly absent of goatee) and a black woman named Teena. Teena was not my mother, however. Teena was just carrying my seed to awesome fruition because, little did you know, I was actually born with super powers and my tiny white-tail-dove mother's womb was too weak for my awesome man-seed (I think I'm using that term correctly??). That cool little child-fetus thingy would eventually grow into a child, then into a bully, and then, finally, into the fucking megastar that is me, Scott Alan Stapp--but we're not that far yet.

To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

Part 2 to come!

Scott A. Stapp, out!

Sometimes

I just wake up in the middle of the night to find my dick 5/7ths of the way into my pillow. Stuffing and feathers everywhere, rape-style. Seriously. Crazy shit my dick has gotten into after beating that murder rap.

Just learned what a prolapsed rectum is!

OH GOD, THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

Hippies

Fuck 'em. I pay ex-soviet spies thirty-five dollars an hour to hunt down hippies in their natural location and bag them up and then bring the sack to me so that I can empty the sack in a man-sized barrel, and then I shoot at them til murder with a shotgun and thus I am allowed to say, in every day conversation, "that's as easy as shooting hippies in a barrel" and fuck hippies.

Mombie 2

mom's dead again. oh well. shouldn't have tried to eat my brains. cunt bit my hand.

All that glitters is gold if I say it's fucking gold because I'm Scott Stapp and my opinions rule!

As you know, I've been a leading member of the punk rock community for some time. As a valued punk rock idol, my opinion is cool and you should just agree with basically anything I ever do.

So remember that band Creed I was talking about earlier, the one with no black guys in it? Well, I've decided Creed is the second best band in the world. The first being Scott Stapp. As we all know, Scott Stapp is the greatest.

Fuck it

I mean it this time. Black people, your goose is cooked! I don't mean that in a racist way. The opposite in fact. What I'm trying to say is:

I feel bad about slavery.

I think my great-great-grandasshole owned slaves. Considering he was related to my paternal side, and is my ancestor, he probably owned a lot, and was really, really kick ass at owning that many.

Like, he so definitely owned at least twice as many as his stupid neighbor, Mark Tremotti, and he was so totally meaner to them and everything.


So yeah, back to the topic... I feel bad about slavery. As a means of trying to be less of a dick, I baked you guys a goose.

One goose, for all of you hungry black people. God nows your pour enouf as it is. I feed you now. Okay?good.bye
!

SHIT JUST GOT

REAL. REAL GOD DAMN REAL.

As you know, I am a huge fucking supporter of polar bears, because fuck everything that isn't a polar bear or Scott Stapp.

Check out this video of this polar bear eating the fuck out of a monkey-llama:

POLAR BEAR V MONKEY-LLAMAMAMA


Fuck-yeah.

British People

Man, fuck those guys. Comin' over here, trying to talk all fancy-like and shit. fuck that.


fuck that.

Murder...

OH SHIT IT FINALLY HAPPENED. my dick got drunk and really screwed the pooch. He blacked out and accidentally killed a hooker... at least i hope it was an accident... oh dear god, the coat hanger! Oh shit, my Hog is looking at 25 to life/death penalty. i'm a qualified paralegal with 3 phd's but this shit is crazy! what happens if my dick goes to jail for life? he's a good lookin' meatbone, he won't last one minute penned up with those monstercocks!

the insanity!

-Scott A. Stapp, ashamed of his johnson

Feminism

Alright guys. It's time for me to get fucking real. I'm talking about feminism.


I think women are totally sweet. They love my kick-ass hog, and I love them for loving my junk. I think it is about time that women finally start to get paid the same amount as their dude counter-parts, and I think that women should be allowed to get abortions alllll the time! Women being allowed to vote is cool. I think its about time we have a female president!











JUST KIDDING!

fuck women.

-Scott (he-man womanhater) Alan Stapp

Easter...

So, was that Jesus guy, like, a zombie?

Why does anyone care about a zombie when I'm here, doing my sweet thing, being alive, and awesome, and, most importantly, being Scott Stapp?

-S

My favorite word for breasts:

"Bossom"

It is the funniest possible way to go.

Runners' up:

-"Titties"

-"Blank Checks"

-"Nipple Circuses"

-"Breasts"

-"Breastes"

-"Toddies"

-"Turtles on a half shell"

-"My Fourth Grade Teacher, Ms. Gladwell"

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

My Favorite Land Whale

My favorite Land Whale is the Ambulocetus. This little dude looks kind of like a rat... but it wasn't!

WHAAAT!?

THAT'S RIGHT: LAND WHALES were real.

cool.

-Scott A. Stapp, out!

PS, I'm sleeping inside of the body of a fat kid tonight. ;)

Bucket List, pt.2

Woah guys, you asked for it, so here's part two of my bucketlist!

-Kill a bullet*

-Disarm a hijacker with my hog*

-Meet Steve Carrell*

-Kill Leonardo DiCaprio

-Kill Steve Carrell

-Eat a pig, alive.

-Own a dog farm

-Own a human farm

-Grow a Vodka plant

-Genocide the Irish

-call a black labradoodle a "nigger"*

-Eat a child

-Prank Barack Obama

-Make a paper airplane

-Hide a dead stripper*

-Kill Jesus*

-Bang Marie Antoinette*

-Become a paraplegic

-Overcome my para-paralysis

-Become Santa Claus

-Neglect my duties as Santa Claus

-Raise a child

-Screw up a child irrevocably*

-Beat a white woman*

-Fight a Land-whale*

-Grow a beard made of potatoes

Part three to come later!