Friday, June 4, 2010

Death

Haven't been posting for a while. There's a reason for this: I technically died.

Don't worry, I'm not a Frankenstein-type monster now. I'm still totally alive and my hog still totally works. Good for me.

Anyway, I'm gonna tell you about the after life. See, I was there for approximately six real world minutes after I ate a bag of heroin and then chased it down with a live shark that had a gun strapped to its face--I was in a bit of a dark spot.

But it turns out six real world minutes is exactly 32 hours in the after-life. Where did I go? Heaven or Hell? Read on til the end, dear reader, and you shall find out.

So I was 32 hours deep in the afterlife, sitting around chatting with my realtor, Sandy Koufax, and finishing up some escrow bullshit on my new crib, when suddenly, BOOM, adrenaline shot to the heart, and then I'm back in this shithole.

I went to Hell.

And I rocked the shit out of it.

Turns out everyone cool ever has gone to Hell. Literally. Anyone you've ever thought was cool in your life, they're in Hell, and it fucking rocks.

I'm heading back for a visit/VIP party being thrown by Dennis Hopper just as soon as I get my hands on another shark!