To all my bitchez,

Dear Bitchez,

I am writing to inform you:

The times we had together were short, yes. Too short? Absolutely not.

I just wanted to let every single one of you bitches know:

Every time I came, I meant it. I loved you, and then you left, and it was great.

In 25 years, when my 26 illegitimate children and their exponential number of equally illegitimate grandchildren sit around me outside some badass campfire and ask:

"Scott [I don't make them address me as 'Dr Dr Dr Scott' because they are almost family, kinda], you loved a lot of women. Would you change a thing?"

When they ask this, I will sit back, put my thumbs behind my lapels and stare out the window pensively, then, in a slow, deep voice, I will say:

"Never fucked a dolphin, I guess. That could have been cool."