Woah wow we woah

Hey Guys (but mostly ladies....sweet, sweet ladies),

It's been so long since my last update, and I need to explain why.

Here's why:

After I beat Mephistopheles to death with my cock and summarily escaped the underworld (I was dead, remember? Ate that bag of heroin and a shark with a gun for a face?--try to keep up, dummy) I re-entered Earth by kicking open the gates of Hell.

Turns out the gates of Hell are located between York Street and Downing Street on 13th Avenue in Denver, in a shitty little place called Cheeseman park. Now, I know what you're thinking, because I was thinking about The Stinky Cheeseman and Other Fairly Stupid Tales as well when I saw the shithole park in the shithole city I was in, but hey, I had just committed (and defeated) suicide twice over. I did it for my son, Jagger.

Seriously, that is my kid's name.

Funny side story, his name was supposed to be "Jager" as in "Jagermeister-von-Boss-Hog," but when the little tyke popped out his momma, I found, to my Great Dismay (the title of my 17th solo album, coming soon), I realized that the would-be Jagermeister-von-Boss-Hog was not actually born with a "Boss-Hog." I slapped the doc and told him to put the little bastard back in, let him stew a bit longer so that his junk could grow to proportions as great as mine, but the doc said something about "maternal death" if the baby got jammed back up in them guts, "And besides," he said, "Four inches is nothing to be ashamed about at birth."

"Maybe not for you, you fuck," I said, as I unzipped my pants, "But look. Look and behold and be scared," I said as the glow over took him.

"My god... my god, I was so.... it's glor.... It's glorious. I will sing It's praises," he said, while down on his knees, blinded by my monster-hog's awesomeness.

So yeah, anyway, I ended up getting real drunk on Jagermeister, to lament the fact that my son only had a 4 inch dork, and yeah, by the time they came around to ask about the birth certificate, I was like five or six bottles of Jager deep, and as anyone knows, that's one short of the magic number of AWESOME, and I was on this big Doors kick at the time and I was just thinking, man, FUCK the Rolling Stones. Fucking Mick Jagger. Bane of my GODDAMN EXISTENCE.

And yeah, so I named my tiny-dicked son Jagger, because seriously fuck the rolling stones.