2. So I can use them for boner jokes in my stand-up comedy act that features gratuitous amounts of prop comedy.
3. So I can shit a brick.
4. To cut flowers and shit in my garden. Little known fact: I am a fucking Master Gardner. Seriously. Ask Mark Tremotti about my Bermuda Buttercups (Oxalis pes-caprae) or my Oleanders (Nerium oleander).
5. So I can find the fucker Hugh Jackman and cauterize his balls the shit off.
Seriously.
I fucking mean it.
I'm coming for you, Hugh Jackman.
I'm fucking coming.
One night, you will hear what sounds like the rustle of trees and you will think it beautiful and pleasing for some existential reason, but really it is going to be me spying the fuck out of your ass and waiting, waiting and biding my goddamn time and then the rustling will grow louder and I will fly through your fucking window and end you not with a whisper but with the motherfucking loudest bang.
BANG. JACKMAN. DESTROYED.
I'M COMING FOR FUCKING YOU.
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