And then I had to poop (Life Story, part 3)

To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

I went on to use these super powers to fight for the role of Alpha Male amongst my bird brothers and sisters. After ultimately killing my main rival, Harold, by pull his liver out through his asshole and shitting on it in a expressive display of badassery, I became Alpha Dog and then they made a movie about me with Justin Timberlake in it (I assume that movie was about me, right? amiright?).

**

After I killed the shit out of Harold I said, "fuck this, Neil, Aloysius, I'm leaving the nest," and then I did. But I was less than twenty feet from said nest when something fierce erupted in my bowels. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed as I clenched. CLENCH, YOU BASTARD! I thought. CLENCH!

So clench I did. I tried to return to the nest but Neil and Aloysius were being assholes and said they had no more children because my ravenous appetite had killed or eaten them all. I told them it was their fault for their genetics mixing in such an awesome way. They said that's not quite how genetics work and I said you'll be sorry you rat fucks and left. I shit in front of their doorstep, distressed with the poop, but comforted in the knowledge that I no longer had a family.

One tear might have come out...

... if I was weak like you.

So after I took a fat tearless dump on my parents doorstep, I sifted through the bones of my consumed brothers and sisters and said, "HAH! I AM Alpha Dog! I AM ALPHA DOG!"

Then I left, with plans to one day return and burn my parents to the fucking dirt.

Ghosts

I FUCK them.

Tornados

Is it the same as a torpedo?


The world will never know.


Mostly because I alone own this information. Seriously.

Back in the late 70s the US government was like YO SCOTT STAPP EVEN THOUGH YOU AINT MO' 'AN A CHIL' YEH, DO THIS FUCKIN' SHEEET AND FINE OUT DA DIFFRANCE 'TWEEN A TORNADO AN' UH TORPEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. DO IT, FO YO GOV'MENT!

So I did what the scary AFRICAN-AMERICAN-negro told me. I asked for funding and he said that the "gov'ment" was being cheap at the moment.

I thought this rather niggardly of my black companion (blapanion) and told him such.

This did not go well.

More to come after my jaw gets unwired!

Fuck monkeys

Little hairy bastard man is a more accurate name than "monkey." I know this because earlier today one of these little hairy bastard men stole my drink from me. I'm down in mexico, chilling with fuckin Van Hagar and banging fourteen year olds [Editor's note: Scott, please remove this. It is illegal to have sex with fourteen year olds.{reply to editor: Fuck you, suit}]. So anyway, I'm fucking all these underage bitches, and drinking a mint julip that's 100% bourbon and fucking older than the girl who is slobberin on my hog, when I decide to put my drink down so I can finger this penguin's asshole. Then BAM, suddenly there's a fucking monkey stealing my drink and riding away on a racepig. And no, that's not a pig that's racist. It is a pig that used to race in someplace called Hondorous because apparently they is too poor for horse. horse race. But don't worry, I made that mistake about the racist pigs too. Oop!

Scott A. Stapp, monkeykiller, out!

BABY FIGHT!!! (Life story, part 2)

After I was birthed to my black surrogate mother, Teena, my white-tail dove mother, Aloysius, took me home to hang out with my thirty-seven bird brothers and forty-two billy goat sisters. They were all babies, too, for some reason. I knew what I had to do.

"LINE UP MOTHER FUCKER'S," I screamed at all the other babez. "WE SETTLE THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! I'M ALPHA DOG! I'M ALPHA DOG!"

Naturally, most of the others immediately recognized that my shit was fucking hot and terrifyingly powerful, so they right away began to display deference and build monuments in my honor and shit. Pretty good for a baby, I'd say. But then what about the ones that tried to stand up to me? Oh. Ohahahahahahahaha. Hah.

Heh.

So I grabbed the first billy-goat sister who stood up for herself and I smashed her brain out with a rock. That's right, Baby Murder.

The second, one of my bird brothers, flew and me and tried to peck my eyes out. I cooked him on a stick and then taunted an orphan with the sweet succulent meat before ultimately discarding the uneaten meat in a landfill.

The third onslaught was a combo of bird-bird-goat-bird-goat.

It ended with a combo of rape into submission-shiv to the kidneys-assassinate like JFK-made give me fellatio to death-pull internal organs out through anus.


To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

I went on to use these super powers to fight for the role of Alpha Male amongst my bird brothers and sisters. After ultimately killing my main rival, Harold, by pull his liver out through his asshole and shitting on it in a expressive display of badassery, I became Alpha Dog and then they made a movie about me with Justin Timberlake in it (I assume that movie was about me, right? amiright?).

Home (Life Story Part 1)

I'm about to let it all go. Stick my dick out to dangle in the breeze, if you will. I'm going to tell you part one of my life story. I like to call it: "Home: Scott Alan Stapp's Early Years (part one of my life story)"

I was born on August 8th, 1973, to a billy-goat father (who was surprisingly absent of goatee) and a black woman named Teena. Teena was not my mother, however. Teena was just carrying my seed to awesome fruition because, little did you know, I was actually born with super powers and my tiny white-tail-dove mother's womb was too weak for my awesome man-seed (I think I'm using that term correctly??). That cool little child-fetus thingy would eventually grow into a child, then into a bully, and then, finally, into the fucking megastar that is me, Scott Alan Stapp--but we're not that far yet.

To summarize so far:
My father was a billy-goat named Neil, and my biological mother was a white-tail dove name Aloysius, but I was born to a black woman named Teena. Also, I had super powers.

Part 2 to come!

Scott A. Stapp, out!

Sometimes

I just wake up in the middle of the night to find my dick 5/7ths of the way into my pillow. Stuffing and feathers everywhere, rape-style. Seriously. Crazy shit my dick has gotten into after beating that murder rap.